What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Fishing you a happy day.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Broken pencils are pointless.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Just brew it!
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."