I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Let me plant one on ya!
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.