A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
You better beer-live it!
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Up to snow good.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.