My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I’ll never leaf you.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.