Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
I love you from my head tomato
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
This is snow laughing matter!
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.