My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
That look soots you.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Trowel and error.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.