I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Time to celery-brate.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Treat yo shelves.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.