Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
I beg your garden?
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.