Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Don't even chai.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.