What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
I love you from my head tomatoes.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
This is snow laughing matter!
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.