How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.