Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
I eat eel while you peel eel
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.