What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
I sulfur when you argon.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.