I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
The calm before the score
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list