What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.