Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
Witch you were here.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
"You're the wine that I want."
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.