Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
As it snow happens.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Paddy like a rockstar.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.