What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Long time no sea.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!