What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.