Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
We’re a perfect mash.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.