I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Biology - It grows on you.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.