Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Sip, sip, horray!
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.