The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Have you botany plants lately?
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
I have bean thinking about you.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Whatever floats your goat.
I'm fondue you, it's true
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.