Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
It takes one to snow one.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
I like you sow much.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
As it snow happens.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.