Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!