My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Goat milk?
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
This summer is going swimmingly.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
I think I found my perfect match
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Leaf me alone.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.