Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
You seem a little mer-mad.
I read dead people.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
Better read than dead.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Time to spruce things up.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.