Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
As it snow happens.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
"I wood never leaf you."
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
We’ve got serious chemistry.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
More candles means a bigger wish!