I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Pirates Private Property.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Treat yo shelves.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.