If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
"You can't sip with us."
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.