My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
It’s snow joke.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.