Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
The snuggle is real.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Thank brew very much.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.