What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
We make a great pear
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Octopus ocular optics.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.