As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
My moment in the sun.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!