Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.