What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
You octopi my thoughts.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Get clover it, babe.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.