Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Can’t pinch this.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
They say everything gets better with age.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.