I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I followed my heart to you.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."