What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Look for a rainbow connection.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.