As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
How rude-olf of you.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!