Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.