What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
I love you from my head tomato
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.