How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.