If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
"Just one hot chick."
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Can’t pinch this.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!