Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.