Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.