I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
We’re mint to be.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.