Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.