What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
He threw three free throws.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.