Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!