What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Reading is a novel idea.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.