What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Mooning is very ASStrological
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Irish you were beer.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!